I’m just going to say it. Friends are weird… I don’t mean in that quirky, fun kind of weird way where we just get each other because of a lifetime of shared experiences. I mean that the societal structure of friendship is a weird concept to me. I don’t always get it.
In theory, friends are meant to help us, make our lives easier/happier/more complete. The maxims are all there. Maybe I lost a bit of that idealism over the years. Maybe I just never had it. Or maybe my lifetime of experiences were so zealously guarded by a need for privacy that I never fully developed it. I’m not sure, yet the statement stands: It’s weird.
This is quickly spiraling into a bitter monologue that you may just toss aside. Let me assure you: I am actually a friendly person. I’m not saying that I live my life sans friendship. I’m saying that intellectually (and sometimes personally) the construct of a friendship seems to be counter-intuitive.
Let’s discuss it. People need friendship. Humans need to feel that companionship with another person. Not everyone will have a spouse or a child to give them that human connection. But friendship is something that is open to everyone, regardless of their story.
Friendship has a lot of benefits to people. A friend assuages the trials we face. Physical contact can help regardless of the connection between the two people, but the connection of a friend has vast improvements on that feeling. A friend can act as a external self-check. Friends know us, in theory, and can help guide us to stay on the path we wish. It may be quitting smoking, working on a new creative effort, or just managing responsibilities better: a friend can help. As a tribe, friends work together to help one another while collectively moving towards their individual goals.
But what about a single friendship, away from the tribe? I think that relationship is the one that puzzles me the most. Perhaps because there are so many variants…
Friends are more varied than the personalities that define them. There are several “types” of friends, but how we interact with them ultimately determines the dynamic. My husband and I may respond differently to the same person because we are different people. Understanding the intricacies of how we relate allows us to better appreciate one another.
Usually, there is always a giver and a taker in any relationship. The giver in one friendship will normally always be the one giving. That same person could be a taker in another relationship. It is all determined by the interpersonal inter-connectivity between the two. However, once the roles are set, it is hard to veer from them.
Friends are usually born of a common denominator: the same school, the same work, the same favorite band. Whatever brings these individuals together, a friendship forms and the attachment builds. As the attachment gets stronger, the personalities may open up. Friends become comfortable with one another, more relaxed. But what if the attachment doesn’t (or can’t) form and the denominator remains? When does friendship stop being about the personal connection between two people and become more about the advantageous circumstances that being friends bring them? When is friendship looked at more as a compromise or a requirement of being in a larger tribe?
How insincere can a friendship be and still be considered a friendship? We connect with another person out of a common bond. We grow with that individual, finding ways to give and take within the relationship. I think, in every friendship, there is a point where compromise is necessary. Is it possible to sincerely compromise while maintaining a strong sense of self? Do we gain self-worth through friendship only to give it away through compromising?
Finally, how can we reconcile the fact that being in a friendship is a balance of sharing yourself without overtaking the other person? That duality is hard to perfectly achieve.
Friendships are hard. They take work, and often feel like they take too much away from us. Many would say that the positives outweigh the negatives, and they are likely right. I only ask these questions so that we may better examine ourselves. Through that examination, we hope to reach a clearer appreciation of the friends in our lives.
That's Culturally Insensitive 